Tiptoeing through my Pain

As far as I can remember, the pain started on Sunday. And it has nothing to do with the ponies - I think.
There was a pain in my right groin, and it was going vertical down. On Sunday it was not that bad, and in the evening I did a short run with the horses. I can remember that I thought about this is typical Sabine and may be not the best, but hope for the best. On Monday I did nothing with the ponies but cycled uphill in the morning. On Tuesday morning I limped uphill, but not that bad. After cleaning the paddock I thought that it was a good idea, and I felt better than in the morning. I went to the office and in the evening I was kind of done. It was hurting very badly and I was also strongly limping. In the evening I started with Ibuprofen. I had a horrible night. And on Wednesday I was at a stage there was no posture without pain. The pain stretched through the whole leg and above to my breastbone. But I wanted to go to the office because there were meetings I wanted to attend... What a bad idea!
I the night from Wednesday on Thursday I was sometimes whimpering while searching a posture without bad pain, but couldn't find one. Finally I visited a doctor but he tranferred me very fast to an orthopedist, but the appointment will be only on Monday. When he called the orthopedist he said "I have here a young woman which is nasty limping and I don't know what to do with her". Strange isn't it? He advised me to adjust the painkillers to a higher level, so that my pain is bearable. Uh-huh!
I spent the day more or less on the couch and felt my body changing. I could see the pain in my eyes, I could smell the illness at my body odor and my whole body was stiff because of trying to avoid the peaks of the pain. How to survive in this stage until Monday afternoon? And that's a lot of painkiller I have to take.
In the evening I tried to explain to Alexander, because sometimes I kind of froze before the next movement and may be it looks like I'm stupid, but I'm adjusting my body, because I want to avoid the peaks of the pain.
The Pain: it's always there, also now from other parts of the body because of my postural change and then there are the peaks. These are orange-red small shots of pain, and I'm more than afraid of them. I also felt a kind of hopeless surrendering at this stage. I was already giving up, coming to that whimpering stage of my soul.
When I try to understand myself I need pictures. And yesterday evening I tried to explain to Alexander that it is like in a computer game. In the morning I have like 100 points. With every pain I lose some of them, but with every peak I really lose a lot of points. So the game is to end the day with an amount of points as large as possible, but at the moment I end every day with a minus.
So Thursday was my first day on the coach and with anti-inflammatory drugs, I'm sure I need.
In the night I found a better picture how to deal with the pain:

The left orange monster is my pain and the right friendly hairy creature is where I want to be. Right now I'm standing in front of the orange monster. At this very moment he is kind of sleeping. He will be wakening up by these peak pains. So standing in front of him, I try to breathe silent and I'm not moving.
The night was not that bad; I found sleep and was already working with this picture. So when I woke up and tried to change my posture and it hurt a little, again I stood still breathe silently and wait until the orange monster is again in a deeper sleep. So right now I have the feeling that I was able to tiptoe a small amount of distance back in the right direction. Holding my breath standing on tiptoe I wait and hope for the best ...


Popular Posts